The perfect Kylie that I tried to be for all of those years seldom cried – I will clarify that. When life got too hard, as it always does, she would cry tears of sadness, frustration, anger and loss – but they were the main feelings that brought about tears. The positive tears were not very present in my life, and that may be because I shut myself off from positive emotions as well.
Since making these incredible life changes over the last couple of years there has been a massive shift in displaying (and even feeling) my emotions. I doubt that a day goes by when I don’t cry now, and more often than not they are tears of joy, happiness, compassion and hope. It could be something I read, or something I watched (TED Talk, YouTube video, TV), or an interaction with someone else – but I cannot think of a day in the last month that tears have not welled up in my eyes and I have allowed myself to express these positive, or negative, emotions.
Yesterday it was watching one of the TED2014 videos Be passionate. Be courageous. Be your best. It is a discussion more than a talk, with Gabby Giffords and her husband Mark Kelly, and just thinking about it is making me tear up again. For those of you who don’t remember, Gabby was the US Congresswoman who was shot in the head in early 2011. Her recovery is amazing, and the love and devotion of her husband is so precious to see.
I think it’s a vulnerability thing
I think that this flow of tears, which is a flow of emotion more than anything else, is an indication that I have truly broken down that wall of perfection that I used to protect myself for all those years. The sad thing is that I failed to realise how much it stopped me from connecting with myself, and all of the positive sides of my emotions, as much as it was stopping others.
Yes, Brené Brown does talk about this in all her wholeheartedness work it just took a while to sink in.
So I cry a lot more now because I feel a lot more now – I feel more connected to everyone and everything else in the world. Sometimes this annoys me, and I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but sometimes I catch my internal critic saying things like “for f#$k’s sake, cut it out!” She’s not a fan of emotions, well good emotions – I think that she likes the negative ones because they keep me on my toes.
It’s another benefit from My Year of TED that I don’t think I had realised until recently, there are a few of these popping up now and then. Whilst it is scary being so much more emotional, I’ll post something else about fear one day, it is wonderful and freeing at the same time.
Are you connected with your emotions? Or were you like me, trying to suppress them all? Do you realise how much lovely emotion and connection you suppress with the bad stuff?