Vulnerable (adj) capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
You know how sometimes you think you have planned something quite well, but then once you start the actions you realise that there was this incredibly obvious thing that you missed – well I’ve hit that point in this activity (realisation hit at Day 2, that is how obvious it was).
Actually there have been two realisations. The first is that I realise I should have started with Activity 2 – and why is that? Well Activity 2 is about how to ask for praise/thanks (which I have already had to do with Derek for Activity 1); and the importance of thanking and praising others, which is something that I have felt a need to do more often as people make comment on my outfits.I don’t want to pre-empt the launch of Activity 2 too much here, but in hindsight I probably should have started with that one.
How did I miss this?
The second thing I have realised is that I have to add Brenè Brown’s The power of vulnerability into my concept talks. I think I had overlooked including it in the concepts because I want to use it as an activity, but thinking through why Activity 1 is freaking me out so much I realise that this whole project is an exercise in embracing vulnerability in my life.
I am a control freak, no surprise to people who know me and should be no surprise to anyone who’s reading the blog. This includes, where possible, controlling how much people know me and how much ability they have to impact my life.
I make no bones about this, I am pretty broken – and I am not unique in this, you are all broken in your own special ways. Go on, admit it, I won’t tell anyone :-) I won’t get into the background of all of this too much but, like many people (well pretty much everyone I would suspect), I have spent my life developing mechanisms to keep me safe from being hurt, from letting people impact me.
As a result of these feelings I hate being vulnerable, I hate exposing myself in any way that could be open to ridicule or give people power (even perceived power) over me.That is why I hide myself in my clothes, why I don’t take risks with my outfits, just in case I get it wrong. I know I shouldn’t care, I should just be able to laugh things off but it doesn’t work that way. This also explains a lot of other behaviours that I have, but that’s for another time.Brenè’s talk has always resonated deeply with me, especially defining it as “excruciating vulnerability.” I’m not going to get into the rest of it, as it comes down to me not feeling worthy of love and belonging, and like I said, that is for a later activity. BUT given everything that I am doing from Activity 1 onwards, I need to practice Brenè’s talk – I need to have the courage to be imperfect; have compassion for myself; become authentic to who I am; and above all else to embrace the vulnerable position that all of this puts me in.
Remind me again why I am doing this project? It feels a little crazier every time I think about it a little deeper. Seriously, why on earth am I doing this myself? All I can say is that it had better be worth it.