An explanation about lack of posts
You all know that I have been trying very hard to be totally open and honest with you, it's been a big part of the project and the changes that I've been implementing. This is one of those quite personal posts where I do feel concerned about sharing some details, but at the same time it is something that is incredibly important for me to talk about so take a deep breath...If you've read my depression post very early on in the project this is probably not going to come as any great surprise to you, but it did come as a surprise to me. For the last couple of months I haven't been feeling very well. I assumed that this related to just a general fatigue after the stress of the last year, I didn't go any further than that. In mid-January I went to see the doctor about it because I was over feeling like complete crap.My symptoms were extreme fatigue, disrupted sleep, a complete lack of focus (explains the writer's block), frustration and snappiness, headaches, apathy and of course being on the verge of tears all the time. The doctor's immediate response "I think that you have clinical depression", and then I did cry. I cried in relief, but I also cried because I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of depression for the symptoms. I should have identified it earlier, but I guess when you're in the situation and all that.What now?The upside (well sort of) is that I'm now being treated for it. I hate taking medication, but it was a case of feeling so bad that I couldn't imagine how I would get out of that state by myself, psych or no psych. Hopefully it is just a short term thing, like last time, but the thing that I have learned about myself throughout the project is that I have probably had depression-lite since I was a teenager, and I think that I have had some very bad episodes in my 20s that were never diagnosed. Yes, and even though I worked this out during Choices and Being Wrong I still didn't click that this was the problem.I know what brought this on, I had a very full on 2012 and I wasn't taking care of myself well enough. It is completely stress related, just think about last year: Derek's dad passed away; I was doing this project, and going through some very challenging activities about who I am and who I want to be; I did the major project at work, including the Commonwealth negotiations (which is enough to depress anyone); I found out my ex-husband passed away; I took on the Adult Literacy course and started tutoring; a lot of my friends and family had some pretty crappy stuff going on their lives (illness, separations, work dramas, deaths etc.); and of course we are still building our house, which is all the more stressful being owner-builders.What next?So I'm on the road to recovery, and feeling a little better every day. I have some lovely friends who I know are very concerned about me at the moment. I've tried to reassure them that I believe the worst is over, and I'm finding ways to make sure that I look after myself and reduce my stress. They don't seem convinced, but I know how I feel and I know that there are so many wonderful things just around the corner for me, and Derek and Lily of course.I also know that depression has been part of my life for a very long time and will continue to be there long after I have gotten back to my usual self this time. I just need to make sure that I don't wear myself down so much in future, and certainly not take on so many stressful activities at once. I should have remembered the benefits I discovered from 30 days of slowing down and kept more of that mindset in my life, I will have to work hard to do that in the next couple of months.This has been hard to write, it's taken over a week of drafting and editing, which is why I've been so quiet on the blog. I felt that it was important for me to talk about this for many reasons but the main two are that I've been practising vulnerability for over a year now and I shouldn't stop now; and more importantly to just say that it's okay to have mental health issues, so many of us do. But I don't intend on making the blog about my depression. If anyone has any questions or wants to know anything I'm more than happy to answer, but I don't intend on bringing you all down by doing a running commentary on my state of mind and how the progress is going.Instead, I need to focus on just getting better so I can get back to writing and load myself up with more stress on the book :-) I am kidding, partially anyway. I feel like I have turned a corner on this and am getting on top of it all, and like I said there are so many exciting things coming up. Just today we put the final windows in our house, finally getting us to lock up and a huge step closer to being in by the middle of the year. For now I think I need to just post this up and put it out in the world, so over to you guys.