A balancing act of vulnerability vs introversion

It's interesting how people latch onto the things about you that they find familiar in themselves. I was explaining My Year of TED to someone recently and as we were talking about I she said "that must have been difficult to balance making yourself vulnerable and being an introvert, given your natural tendency would be to not be vulnerable".

We chatted for a little longer about it and I admitted that writing this blog has been one of the harder parts of the process, since I have been excruciatingly open and honest here, but I've also found it has been a wonderful experience, and I do feel more connected to people.The interesting thing about the blog is that I wanted it to be successful, I wanted (and still want) people to read it and feel inspired, but there is the other side. The other side was that whilst ever it was only a couple of hundred people who visited the site I felt I had control over who knew, which I know is ridiculous but remember I was a complete control freak.I had this interesting internal battle, that for the most part was subconscious. I wanted it to be successful, but that meant exposing myself to more people, and making myself really vulnerable. So for the first few months I didn't try very hard to cultivate an audience. I would mention the blog on comments on other blogs occasionally, and I of course told family and friends about it, but I know my heart wasn't in it and I realise now that every time my conscious self was a little disappointed in the blog stats, my subconscious self was relieved.And then something changedAt about the five month mark there was a change in the way I felt about it. I can't remember a very active change of mind, or any revelation, but I guess that something inside me decided it was okay if other people read the blog and find out about how messed up I was. So I started promoting it more and mentioning it to casual acquaintances.It still freaks me out when people say they've read it, I wonder how much they've read and what they really think of me. Most people use words like inspiring, great, brave and the like, but I'm sure there are others who think nuts, self-absorbed and I could do better (and yes the choice of those words is a view into my psyche, they weren't the first ones that came to mind either).I don't get as embarrassed when I explain it to people anymore, because I really do actively want to share it and I am very proud of what it is and what I've done here. But I still feel weird when people I know read it - and thinking about it, I don't think that the biggest battle was overcoming my natural introverted tendencies. It was overcoming my perfectionist tendencies and the fear that you would all think as badly of me as I used to think of myself.I don't feel that I really embraced vulnerability as much as I pushed through until I convinced my subconscious that it would be okay - and it has been, at least so far.And I'm not alone in this eitherThe person I was talking to is a writer and journalist, she does this professionally and has an audience for the things she writes. Interestingly she said that she finds it weird when people mention that they have read her work. Thinking about things I have read on other sites and that I've heard in interviews, I think that this is a pretty common reaction.I'm going to continue to write this blog, with as much honesty as I can - continue to push through the vulnerability. I hope that people continue to think that it is inspirational as well, and that I get used to the feeling of exposure, although I can't see that happening.I'm sure that some of you reading this are also writers/bloggers, do you have these feelings of exposure? How do you deal with it? Do you just get used to it over time?

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