When Life Gives You Lemons, or Why I've Been a Little Quiet of Late

My last post was in March - almost six months ago! I can't remember the last time I posted on any other site, and it hasn't only been online interactions that have dropped off. Now I should explain a little about why. I could just say that life got in the way, but let's get a little more explanation in there. Not that I owe you an explanation; I simply feel like there are lessons from this that might resonate or provoke you as well.But before any of this, it's not all doom and gloom at all. I have achieved a lot in the last couple of years, even with all the following crap going on. It's just not what I had planned to achieve, and has taken my focus from this blog and what I want to share with the world.

It starts with health

And for once, it's not my mental health - although that is always questionable. At the end of 2016 I had an ambulance ride and overnight stay in hospital, they couldn't work out what was wrong. I'd been unwell for so long I don't think I remembered what well felt like anyway, but debilitating pain and not being able to stand on my left leg brought it to a head.

Quite a few tests later, we discovered in January last year that I have pernicious anaemia (best sounding disease ever). I briefly mentioned this in my 2017 year in review post, but here are a few things it might be worthwhile telling you.

Pernicious anaemia means my stomach can't absorb vitamin B12 from food - this had probably gone undiagnosed for about six years, considering the symptoms I had discussed with my previous GP. What B12 does is allow your body to properly make blood (oversimplification), so it's vital for you to have it. My lack of B12 had gotten so bad I was starting to experience neuropathic pain; although I believe the symptom that finally triggered the right set of tests was I would stop breathing when I laid down flat!!! Minor issues then.

The raft of other symptoms included: pins and needles in my hands and feet (put down to 'structural' issues); fatigue (never addressed); depression (history of so not addressed); brain fog (I hadn't noticed); dizziness (put down to naturally low blood pressure or non-existent ear issues); weird heart flutters (dismissed); and, shortness of breath (my fitness was questioned).

That's not all folks

Now, I know GPs are busy people, but as this list grew there should have been some questions raised. Do you know how you diagnose a B12 deficiency? A simple blood test - seriously if you are tired all the time just ask for it. And I'd had so many blood tests during those years, so why not check my B12? Anyway, it's done now.

I had B12 injections for just over a year and now I'm on a mouth spray. The problem was I felt great for about three months after the injections started, and then other things started happening. My new GP kept saying it would come right; my body was repairing itself. But those things got worse. The fatigue set back in, my hair started falling out, I generally felt like crap and was not overly motivated to do anything - but was working six days a week.

I got a new GP at the beginning of 2018, and a diagnosis of a second autoimmune disease. Okay, technically I don't have Hashimoto's yet because my antibodies aren't high enough, but I've been assured they'll get there. So I'm now on a low dose of thyroxine - which has stopped my hair falling out and improved my energy and motivation as well.

After six months there were still niggling pains and other things that weren't quite right. So the latest blood tests have confirmed I am perimenopausal - or as one website lovingly refers to it "the change before the change". Some of you might have read my Huffington Post article about how I feel about my female reproductive system so it might not be surprising that I'm happy with this progression, but it's also bullshit! Now I have to manage a declining reproductive system and changes in hormones, and that's before I even get to menopause itself.

Then there's work

I've mentioned the insane amount of work I've been doing for the last 18 months in previous posts. All of my existing energy has been pushed into that part of my life, so it makes sense that I haven't had a lot left to write this blog - or anything else for myself for that matter. I've been writing a lot of course material for Swinburne, so that still lets me feel like I'm achieving - but not making time for my goals. I'm not even certain I fully understand what those goals are anymore; I need some time to reset myself a little.

I have had time to do more visual facilitation/graphic recording though, and I'm starting to get some creativity back into my life. This has also been lacking since my health went completely to shit. It always amazes me that when you are in that sort of situation you know that being creative will help improve your mindset - but that is the one thing you cannot access for yourself. I think that's the other reason I haven't been writing here, because I haven't felt overly creative outside of work.

These work levels also mean I've been a bit socially isolated, since most of that work is done at home. I've dropped out of contact with so many people because I didn't have the time or energy to do much else. I need to work on reconnecting with people as well, which I've already started. I should take a moment though to thank the people who have been supporting me through this time - especially my brilliant partner Derek for being my rock. A few close friends, the Circus Studio peeps and our gorgeous Lily.

And now...

Well now is interesting, because I've decided I need to set some goals for myself and drive myself harder for me. I've realised a lot of different things about myself in the last couple of years while I've been unwell and doing all this project work - some good and some not so good. What I do know is that I work better with structure - yes, the irony that this is one of words for 2018 is not lost on me. I keep learning this! But I mean structure for creativity this time around. That will be my next focus.

Unfortunately, I feel like I've taken ten steps back in the last two years. I feel like I've wasted too much time and opportunity. And yet I know I haven't had the energy to achieve anything more than I have already. So for now I need to practice being kind to myself and coming up with some goals, plans and structures to get things moving forward again.

I hope that your lives have been more in a forward trajectory and you feel like you are achieving what you want for yourselves. I will be more present from here on in; and if not, I will remember to be kind to myself.