What the hell is wrong with me? Fear, that's what!
I've been putting off posting because I don't think I have the story clear enough yet. You would think, after all this time, I would realise that it doesn't need to be perfect - it just needs to be told! So that means there is something else that is driving the fact I'm not posting, and I think I know what it is.I am stupidly excited that I am finally turning this blog into a real book - yes I will be doing print copies, why the hell wouldn't I? At this stage, it looks like it will be about 140,000 words; I'm still in the process of editing it, so that might change a little. I've engaged a professional editor to proofread it for me, since I want it to largely read the same as the blog, it doesn't require a lot of editing.
This excitement should have me posting all over social media, and this blog, about the impending publication - but that is not the case, and quite frankly I'm sick of it! I am so sick of being scared; I am so sick of being worried that I might put all of this time and effort into it, and no one will want it! Worse still, I am tired of being scared that people will want it; that I will have to be responsible for this in some way I'm not prepared for!
Okay, I've said it - I've finally put it in writing in the bluntest possible way and given it to the world. There is a lot more to this, but I think I just needed to post this.
Reliving the experience
I've just finished editing my third quarter reflection post, which means I getting close to the end of the year itself. I'm including a few other posts following the end of the project, so I'm not getting excited about being near the end yet.
It's been fascinating to read through the whole thing over such a short period of time; I've had some teary moments where I've felt like I was reliving the experience all over again. There have been a few other moments of "yeah, I remember how important that was. I need to focus on that again?" There have been two major takeaways from this editing process for me:
There are some shocking typos in the blog that I should go back and fix at some stage - that's unlikely to happen.
I am extremely proud of My Year of TED; of everything I learned; and of the person I have become after going through this process.
I feel, more than ever before, that I have truly become myself over the last couple of years. Reading back through it all, I can see that me fighting to emerge from the broken and scared person I was. That's why I am super pissed at myself for shrinking back into fear; at the same time, I am being kind to myself about why.
What now?
Well, everything and nothing. I'll continue beavering away at the editing, and I will publish this book on 1 November - at least in ebook format if I haven't sorted the physical book by then.
I still intend on posting about the delays that stopped this happening, I think that's important to put out into the world. I will also be posting book titles and covers in the coming month, I might need some help in making those decisions.
For now, I do have a favour to ask. If you are interested in the book, please subscribe to the email newsletter, so I can keep you up to date. I will be asking subscribers if anyone would like a preview copy, in exchange for a review. This is likely to be a week or so before it comes out, but you'll get a free copy of the ebook.
Also, I finally got off my butt and started a Facebook page for My Year of TED - I'd love to see you there.