An update on Asking, and when people say no

Okay, I will preface this by saying if you are new here then you need to understand I don't shy away from admitting that I am a very broken person - I think we all are in our own ways. Since completing My Year of TED, I'm far less broken than I used to be, but this post might not be the best one to convince you of that. Actually, it should be a great post to convince you of that since I'm willing to admit this to the world - or at least the minute portion of the world that reads my stuff.

Enough with the preamble

I've been doing a lot of asking in the last 16 days - asking TED speakers for their support; sending press releases out to media people; asking bookstores to stock my book; and of course asking you guys to support and promote the book for me. Since I'm over halfway through the 30 days of Asking now, I thought it would be a great chance to stop talking about the book and reflect on the activity so far.

Overall, it's been beneficial to do this alongside the publication and promotion for my book - which is great because that was the intention of this activity, to help prod me along through the book release. It's definitely worked, and the fact that I have Amanda's book sitting next to my computer has been a great reminder to just ask!

Having said that, this has been far from easy. For example, the speaker emails were supposed to go out a couple of days into the activity, but I couldn't bring myself to send the vast majority of them. I did send a few emails early on, but I got about six emails in and decided I just couldn't do anymore, and then procrastinated about it all. Now, as it turns out, procrastination was needed, because when I started to draft the bulk of the emails I realised that I needed to point them to a webpage for the book, and I hadn't finished that page yet.

What happens when you get a no?

Well that's the whole point isn't it? That's why asking is hard because you make yourself vulnerable to people saying no. Let's start with the other side of things, I've had some wonderful replies from TED speakers, a few of them you can read on the book webpage (closer to the bottom) - each of the positive responses has been greeted with a happy dance and elation that they still think this thing is interesting enough to support in some way.

But, I know that people can't always support me, and I'm going to deal with that a lot more as I start putting the press release out into the media. I will admit that the first no completely deflated me, although it was accompanied by kind words and best wishes. I had been bracing for it, but I didn't realise how ill-prepared I was for it. The main problem was it came about an hour after I finished sending out 15 speaker emails - so I was feeling very overloaded and emotionally raw. I think this is how I know I haven't cracked the idea of asking yet, because every email I send feels like I'm exposing myself even more to the world - every time I ask, my heart becomes a little more hopeful, which isn't part of my natural self.

I still don't believe I share some of this with you guys, but I'm sure that some of you know what I'm talking about. I wasn't raised to be hopeful, I was raised to expect the worst - and more often than not that is exactly what I got. I've spent so much of my life not daring to hope for particular outcomes, even when they were close to occurring. If you've been here through the whole project you will probably have noticed this; I didn't share the fact I was asked to write an article for the TED Blog until the day it was published, because I thought I would jinx it and they would realise they didn't want to include it anyway. That is what my life is like, even after everything that I have done through My Year of TED, that mindset it too ingrained to alter easily.

This is why I have tempered my excitement about the book, even though I have controlled almost every step in the process and it would be published regardless of anyone else - excitement would be an indication that I expect the book to do well, and I can't allow myself to think that way. Actually, there is another reason I can't allow myself to contemplate 'success', but that's another post. It's also why every ask is like a splintering of something deep inside me - something that hates it when I dare to dream, and hates it even more that I now dare to do something about those dreams.

So the first no hurt, because I was in too vulnerable a place. Saturday night I received a partial no, and the person who sent it told me not to take it personally - and interestingly I hadn't. That's what made me think about this situation, why was the first one so devastating, and yet this one was just a "oh, okay then"? I think it must have been the vulnerability aspect, because in all honesty, I expect people to say no to the ask. I expect that people are going to think I'm overstepping the mark and asking too much - that people won't think this is worth their time sharing.

That means that a no can easily be a validation of my fears, which is very counter-productive to everything I've been working on. But that is not what is going on with the TED speakers - because I am asking very busy and successful people for support, and I know that they often don't have the time to do that, or it isn't something that they do because they get asked so much. So, their responses don't feed into that ever-diminishing voice in my head that tells me I'm not "enough" for people to want to help me - and every no from that group helps me become a little braver with asking others as well.

It becomes easier with practice...

well maybe 'easier' isn't quite the right word. I've found that it becomes less daunting with practice, because I'm getting more used to reacting and responding to the no's - to not taking them personally and just moving on. I won't pretend that they don't impact me at all, obviously they can and do, but they aren't so devastating that they make me run and hide - the reality that someone might say no does not stop me from asking. It might delay the ask, it might make me step back and think of whether I'm asking the right thing in the right way, but more than ever I've realised that if I want something I have to ask - no one else will do it for me, and people won't know what I want or need if I don't ask.

Then there is Amanda's book, and the reminder that by asking I allow people to contribute and connect with me. I think that is probably the lesson I need to remember most - asking isn't a selfish act, if it comes from the right place. I have another 13 days to really think on this and work out what else it might mean...

Just so you know, I value every comment, mention, tweet and share that you do for me - but more than that, I value that you show up to read what I write. I hope that you get something out of these connections too, that is the reason I would hope you share any of this with your tribe, friends or family - even when it's a little rambling, like this post.