The Emotional Rollercoaster of Self-Publishing - so far!

The last couple of weeks have been an incredible roller coaster of emotions, I seriously don't know how I'm actually coping with it all. I still don't have a proof copy of the paperback - we can thank the less than efficient service of Australia Post for that one, seriously do not get me started about this! But I'm trying to remain positive and keep pushing forward with all the plans, assuming that the proof will be great and I can put in an order to arrive at the end of next week or early the week after.

I thought I would share with you what this experience has been like, because that's what I do. But just before I do, I have two asks for you. Please support the Thunderclap campaign, seriously it takes a moment and all it does it send a tweet or do a post on Tumblr or Facebook about the book. Also, if you haven't signed up for my email please do that at the end of the post - you'll get free resources, a regular email update and a chance to win a copy of the book at the end of the month.

Hop on the rollercoaster

Sometime in the near future I will put together a small resource about self-publishing - sort of an addendum to my previous resource, but more of a checklist about what to do in the process. For now, this is a little bit about the emotional process of self-publishing.

Tip #1 - When things go wrong (and they will) just deal with it

For the most part I've been able to keep my emotions fairly stable, neither high nor low. I'm focusing on doing the work and dealing with the stress of each of the tasks I have to do, which helps keep the focus off how out of my depth I've been feeling, for the most part. The biggest drawback of this process is that I have had few moment of feeling genuinely excited and happy about what has been going on, I spoke about how this is part of my nature a little in the last post. I've had a couple of shining lights in there, getting my e-proof a couple of days earlier than expected is a good example, and it looked fantastic too. But on the whole, each of the milestones I've passed has just been ticking off the step and launching into the next task.

The bonus of this is that I'm sure it has helped keep me more emotionally stable than I might have been otherwise. By that I mean that when things have gone wrong I have generally been able to just get on with fixing them, and haven't dropped into too dark a place. Having said that, the downward swings have still occurred, just not associated with things going wrong - I'll get to that. So, whilst the fact that Australia Post is taking their own sweet time to deliver my proof has my stress levels through the roof at the moment, I'm not beating myself up over the fact that I should have taken a different delivery option - in the past I would have spiralled into a very dark, negative place questioning my intelligence and basic competence to do anything. Instead, I'm trying to work out what I can do as a back up, how I might be able to adjust timeframes, what needs to happen to make this all work with the delays - it's a lot healthier.

Tip #2 - Don't let your fears hold you back

The emotional downward swings are a little more difficult to cope with. These are the moments when I question what the hell I'm doing publishing this book, when my usually calmed down inner critic comes out to play (and f%^k with my sanity). Last Sunday was the worst day so far, generally these moments have been small episodes interspersed over days. These are the "who are you?" moments - "who are you to think you can write a book that people will pay money for?" and "who are you to think that your story is of interest to anyone else?" Even writing these out here makes me teary, and why wouldn't it? These questions that my inner critic poses are just a different way of stating my biggest fears about this whole process - well actually not my biggest fears.

Okay, I'm scared that people won't buy the book, or if they do they'll hate it; they'll think it's boring and narcissistic. Now, the people who have read it so far, there are a couple that had no real idea about the story, have said that they thought it was great and found it very inspirational - and then there are the wonderful endorsements from some of the TED speakers (seriously check out the book page if you haven't seen them, they're lovely). But there is still a part of me that is obviously terrified that these people are exceptions to the rule.My biggest fear is that this will be successful, and that means I will have to talk to a lot of people about how broken I was (and still am). It means people will know that the 'Kylie' I pretended to be for years was just a front, and I will have to own this experience and what it all means. That thought scares absolute crap out of me, and I think that my inner critic uses the other negative thoughts above to try to stop that from happening - she is trying to protect me and keep me thinking small about the whole thing so I won't have to deal with possible success. The worst part is, sometimes I feel she is winning! I haven't sent out many press releases to media, I've only contacted two bookshops, and I haven't followed up the TED speakers who didn't reply to my first email. I'm supposed to be asking, but I'm using the delays in the process as an excuse to support my inner critics view of the world - that hurts to admit to myself, let alone to you. I feel I need to be honest about it though, that's what you're here for after all.So now I've said that, I guess it means I have a few emails to send today :-)

Tip #3 - Surround yourself with cheerleaders

I could easily isolate myself in this process, self-publishing can easily be a lonely task of being at my computer and going through the steps. I've found it important to reach out to other people, to voice the ups and downs, the concerns and fears, here and on social media. It allows my friends and community to remind me that they're here and that they believe in me, and often that is all that is required. On Sunday that didn't pull me out of my melancholy, but it did chip away at some of the doubts that were creeping around in my brain. I should add that I think the biggest problem with Sunday was I finally allowed myself some good down time from the project, and the physical and mental fatigue created the right conditions for negativity to fester.

A lot of this also comes down to asking - letting people help you out, because the people who believe in you and want you to succeed would also love to be part of the process in some way. I wish I wasn't such a slow learner when it comes to all of this, but I think I'm finally working it out.

30 days of Asking ends soon

I only have a couple of days left in the activity - but I will try to keep the mindset going. I need to push more in publicising the book, and I'm bound to need assistance in the official book launch next year. I am also considering a book tour of a couple of capital cities in Australia, and I should push for a bit of a virtual book tour for overseas people. For now though, I'm asking the universe to quit screwing with me and deliver the proof copy already!

I realise this has been a long one, but I thought a discussion on the emotional side of this process was worth it - and I'm sure there will be more as it either succeeds or fails. Does any of this feel familiar to you?