Trapeze, Performing and Being Very Brave
Last night I did a thing - a solo static trapeze performance as part of a showcase for the adults I do circus with. I had already signed up for this before I chose Brave and Creative for my three words. Knowing I was doing it definitely had an influence on their inclusion.
The show was fantastic. There were eight student performers and our trainer/creative director for the show, Adie, performed a new trick she's trying to perfect. Everyone was brilliant and the 80-odd audience had a great time. But that is not what this post is about, of course!
This starts from a difficult place
I knew I would write a post about this experience when I decided to do it, because it was not an easy decision for me to make. It might seem a tad random to some of you, but the day I decided whether I would do it or not was full of tears (floods of them). It was early December, my depression was alive and well, and that nasty voice inside my head was particularly vocalI've been doing circus for four years now and there was a large part of me that wanted to do an actual performance. A real one in a dark theatre, just me and the trapeze. That thought is also a little terrifying, but exciting terrifying. The only problem is, my depression brain is neither positive nor supportive. It was telling me not to be stupid; that nobody would want to see me throwing my fat arse around on a trapeze; that I would look ridiculous beside the strong, beautiful, talented women I do circus with. And yes, writing this makes me tear up again - it's also toned down a lot for public consumption.
A logical brain does not win against those arguments. My depression brain knows all my greatest weaknesses and vulnerabilities - and is not afraid to use them in its battle to get its own way.
But I have some wonderful, supportive women around me at the circus. And I've been brave enough to share my depression and some of these thoughts with them. So, they encouraged me to do it. And, of course, Derek was super supportive of me, as he always is.
Decision made - then what
We started working towards the performance in early January. We had four weeks to pull it all together - creating a performance from scratch. The process was challenging at times, but I always felt so supported and encouraged by the women I was doing it with. Most of us have trained together for at least a year, some a lot longer. But through this process we really got to know each other - especially our fears.
Adie helped us find something about ourselves we could bring out in the show. I realised I do a calming action with my fingers (and toes) , this is what we used as the basis of a whole routine. I wanted to use either The Road or The Beach from The Road soundtrack - Nick Cave and Warren Ellis' gorgeously haunting music.Why that? Well, the music is beautiful and sets a mood. Late last year, I started listening to it as a way to distract my depressed brain and get to sleep. The Road connected to my depression, and I had thought that would be an interesting thing to experiment with in the performance. The Beach still has a sombre tone, but it ends more lightly (hopeful). Plus they are both a good length for a performance ;-)I switched from The Road to The Beach two weeks in. The switch was because my brain has turned a corner from my depression, and I wanted the performance to be more about what doing trapeze means to me. I'm not sure I could ever capture it in words, but something like - freedom, lack of judgement, support, strength and a chance to be something I never imagined I could be.I don't know if I achieved that emotion, but I certainly achieved something.
And my performance
I've received a lot of lovely feedback about my performance - mainly things about it being very emotional and giving people all the feels. Which is great, because it was emotional to perform and I'm happy they felt something from it. I haven't explicitly asked what people thought the performance meant/signified, because I don't really want them to dissect it. I hope they felt hopeful and maybe a little bit of the joy I get from circus - maybe along with some discomfort and uncertainty.Unfortunately, the iPhone, my light-coloured outfit* and the stage lighting contributed to a very overexposed video of the performance. It would be okay, but you can't see my face, and that is a big part of the performance at times. So, I'm probably not going to share it. But when we get the photos I might share one or two of those.
So, my harsh inner critic who thrives in my depression was wrong. I performed alongside these amazing women as one of them - not something apart from. And, I'm now in a better mental state where I can say I truly didn't compare myself to them once we got into the process. We all brought something different to the table for this performance, and my something was as valuable to the whole as theirs. Now if only I can remember that for next time ;-)
How about you? What have you done lately to be brave? It doesn't need to be as big as a solo-trapeze performance. Often it's the seemingly simplest actions that take bravery - you should acknowledge those as well.* I had a short, light grey dress. I changed into the one in the featured photo on the post after the fact.